In case you haven’t noticed, kids’ Bibles today leave out all the good bits. Two hundred years ago, the story of David cutting off two hundred Philistines’ foreskins could be spread in Sunday schools worldwide, but nowadays if they so much as mention that something died in the Bible, mothers cover their young ones’ ears and send laser-eye glares towards the poor fellow who simply wanted to share the exact nature of Goliath’s death.
So if you’ve ever heard one Bible chapter over and over again when you were just a wee lad (or lass, excuse me) and think that you’ve heard everything, I’m here to tell you that you’re dead wrong (and also to prevent you from sleeping for the next week).
Samson kills 1000 men with a donkey’s jawbone (Judges 15:16)
Not only does a single man killing one thousand people with a jawbone create an interesting picture in my mind, I can’t really think of humane or nice ways to kill someone with a bone. I suppose that if the end was sharpened and you stuck it in the right place, the time choking on their own blood would be less that if you thrust it down…
You know what, let’s move on.
Turning the Nile to blood (Exodus 7:20)
Now, I’m not the type who gets sick at the very sight or smell of blood – too many brothers for that, I’m afraid – but the fact that I might have been drinking a cup of nice clean water at the time Moses put his staff in the water…well, isn’t that a pleasant thought! Shall we continue with what else happened? There was the plague of frogs (Exodus 8:1), which involved hundreds of thousands of the amphibians launching an invasion into your house. Imagine getting out of bed in the morning and having to squish their little bodies beneath your feet just to get over to the mirror and realizing that they were in your hair and clothing as well. Not to mention that they’ve eaten all of your food. Then after that, there were the plagues of gnats and flies (Exodus 8:16 and 8:20). Bugs. Everywhere. And these suckers don’t live long. Dead insects with their cousins chewing on their carcasses, buzzing like a psycho weed whacker and covering your hands and arms and legs. Remember also that flies throw up every time they land.
And that’s not all! There was also the plague of livestock (dead animals littering the streets and bringing back the nightmare of flies – from Exodus 9:1), the plague of boils (you think a zit is bad? Try having boils covering your entire figure to the point where you can’t even wear clothes or sit down without yelping – from Exodus 9:8), and also a plague of locusts (like the gnats and flies, but louder and bigger – from Exodus 10:1).
After reading this in detail, I realize just how stubborn Pharaoh must have been. This level of hard-heartedness beats even me when someone suggests I use the e-z peel tab.
King Herod’s death (Acts 12:23)
In Acts 12:23, and I quote, “…because Herod did not give praise to God, an angel of the Lord struck him down, and he was eaten by worms and died.”
I already know about the whole worms thing. You play in the dirt where the worms’ eggs are, you don’t wash your hands, you eat them on accident, they grow in your stomach, and then come out the opposite side. But this wasn’t just tiny creatures going through your system. He was EATEN by them.
King Eglon’s death (Judges 3:20-23)
This king was so unbelievably fat that when one of the Judges, Ehud, shoved his double-sided sword into his belly, the fat closed in after the entry. Not only that, it sucked the handle in after it. It is not mentioned in the version I have with me now if the point of the blade was poking out of his back, so for all we know this dude had an entire sword inside of him. Dead. He’s officially dead.
David cuts off the hands and feet of his enemies (2 Samuel 4:12)
I believe this title is self explanatory. Notice that this is before the enemies were killed, so they had to wait at least a few moments with no ends to their limbs before they were killed peacefully and underwent a blissful passing…NOPE! These chaps were hung. Death by slow suffocation.
Jezebel (2 Kings 9:33-37)
You knew we’d get to this sooner or later. Often, I’ve noticed, they don’t even bother to gloss over the juicy details in your average kids’ Bible; they skip it altogether.
She was a nasty woman, and I’m unsure which is worse: the deeds she did or the manner of her passing.
First she was thrown down from the top of a building and her blood spattered on the walls. Then, she was trampled by horses and dragged all over the place. Her remains were then eaten by dogs until there was little more than her skull left. If you read the verses, you see that the men who threw her off the building and drove the horses to trample her ate a meal in between punishments. Frankly, I wouldn’t have had the stomach BECAUSE IT GOT EATEN BY WORMS.
Cannibalism (2 Kings 6:26-29
A woman boils and eats her son.
Didn’t know that existed, did ya?
That was fun! I hope I’ve now considerably ruined your appetite.