Bipolar Friday

Good Friday.

In my house, that’s pretty much every Friday because it is the lovely day that precedes the weekend, but this one in particular has a special twist.

It’s quite a bipolar day. One moment it’s terribly sad and the next it’s joyously happy, which I can assume is a confusing prospect for people who don’t know the story around it.

Good Friday is the day Jesus was flogged, cursed, and executed by way of crucifixion. As you may perceive, this is the “terribly sad” part of Good Friday.

If that were the end of the tale, Good Friday would be called Bad Friday and we’d all run around weeping and wearing lots of black and would never be merry again. But there’s a catch.

Through Jesus living a perfect life and then through his horrid death, we get eternal life.

I know what you’re thinking: Well, somebody got the short end of the stick. And you’re right! There is absolutely nothing fair about this bargain. Jesus dies after living a whole life of never sinning – not even once – which we humans could never do and we get the prizes for it? This would not stand up in our courts, I can tell you that. In fact, why did Jesus even do it? He gets pain and heartbreak while we get to live out our little lives. To do something like this by choice is an insane decision to make.

The answer is, quite simply, that he loves us. Not in the past tense, mind you. He loves us so much that he would die. For you. And it caused him pain and sorrow and temptation beyond the boundaries of human endurance, but he did that for you and for me and for anyone else you would care to mention in the history of the universe. He died for the sins you did yesterday, and the sins you did today, and the sins of tomorrow so that we are secure in knowing that we will spend eternity in Heaven, which is described in plain terms as “the party that will never end”. And if that isn’t reason to celebrate, I don’t know what is.

Remember in the above paragraph how I said “loves” instead of “loved”? Doesn’t make much sense when one is speaking of a dead person, unless the person in question is a supernatural specialist with a habit of blowing minds.

Because Jesus didn’t stay dead.

Advertisements

Insult!

The Bible is a beautiful book that has many people who, through God, were able to do amazing things.

That being said, they were also human and therefore still possessed those human tendencies to lash out when they were irritated. Here are a few biblical insults that you can use next time someone forgets to use their turn signal or a small child leaves a smattering of Legos on the floor that your feet just happen to come into contact with.

“As for those agitators, I wish they would go the whole way and emasculate themselves!” Galatians 5:12

The subject of circumcision was a big controversy at the time Paul wrote this verse and even though he firmly said that circumcision was unnecessary, these agitators continued to preach that it was one of the requirements to get eternal life. Paul is pretty much fed up with this and says that they may as well go the whole darn way with it and chop the entire thing right off. I think we can safely assume that Paul wasn’t happy.

“You blind fools!”Matthew 23:17

The word “fool” used to carry much more weight than it does now. In ancient terminology it not only meant a lack of intelligence but also implied a lack of character as well. To say it in a way that my darling siblings would understand, what’s basically being said is “You idjits!”

“You son of a perverse and rebellious woman!”1 Samuel 20:30

We do have a modern equivalent to this that you could use that I won’t be repeating, but if you want to be twice as eloquent and become the verbal hero you’ve always dreamed of being, throw this at your chosen target of rage instead.

“Get out of here, baldy!” 2 Kings 2:23

Believe me, immature insults are not a novel invention. Elisha was going about peacefully in Bethel when a couple young lads decided to jeer at him. Don’t yell this at someone with a distinct absence of fibers on their cranium unless you want to get pummeled.

“You hypocrites! Isaiah was right when he prophesied about you.” Matthew 15:7

Not only did you mess up, but we were already warned that you were going to be stupid and do this! Double whammy right there, although you might have to replace the name Isaiah with something else. Perhaps you can make it more offensive by involving someone’s mother or the word “ninnyhammer”.

“Are you still so dull?” Matthew 15:16

Believe it or not, this was spoken by Jesus to the disciples. Jesus tells a parable and, like always, the disciples are completely clueless as to its meaning. It happens so many times that Jesus is bound to notice that the disciples don’t get it. Ever. Sadly, Jesus had a collection of Mr. Thick-Thick-Thickity-Thick Faces as companions.

“Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderber…” Wait, hold on a second….

Ah, good old Monty Python.

 

Easter Skit – Act Three

Act Two: https://booknutsy.wordpress.com/2014/04/10/easter-skit-act-two/

[PLEASE NOTE that this is a group project and I can in no way take full credit for its creation – this was the product of great brainstorming sessions between Elizabeth Schroeder, Katie and Sarah Turner, Greta and Kaitlin Solofra, Christian Casey, and myself, and was therefore written by all of us combined.]

*

[The disciples are sitting around the table with mostly empty plates in front of them, having just finished their meal. OD is patting his belly contentedly.]

OD: Awww, I am stuffed. [Notices that Peter still has some food on his plate.] Oooh! Hey, you gonna eat that?

Peter: Nah, go ahead. I’m saving room for dessert.

OD: Like pie! I wonder if they have pie…

[Waiter pops up. This time there is less shock and more irritation at the waiter.]

Waiter: Did someone say dessert? I’ve got the menus right here! There are nooooo calories in looking! [Hands out dessert menus and then exits.]

OD: So…Pete and Johnny, are you reconsidering your tall tale now that you have some food in your bellies?

John: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

OD: You know, that JC’s body was missing and all that.

Peter: We know what we saw. The stone in front of the tomb was rolled away and when we went inside, the body was missing.

John: Even his burial linens were folded, which we can agree isn’t the habit of most tomb robbers. If you are so full of unbelief, go see it for yourself.

OD: With all these Romans around? Not a chance! [Makes a throat-slitting motion.]

James: Did you really see the tomb empty and our Lord gone?

John: Would I lie about this?

[John’s question hangs in the air for quite some time until someone enters the room. Without looking at who it is, Peter speaks.]

Peter: We’re not ready for dessert, okay…? [Turns around to see Jesus and Peter’s mouth drops open in shock. The other disciples do the same with various different reactions of shock. The tension is palpable as they all struggle to find the words. Each disciple slowly gets out of his respective chair and goes to Jesus.]

OD: Are you a ghost? Are we in the middle of The Walking Dead?

John: Lord? Is it truly you?

Jesus: Peace be with you.

[Recognizing the voice, they rush forward to hug Jesus. The disciples are filled with joy, smiling. OD waits longer than the others though, poking Jesus in the side and inspecting the holes in his hands before he is confident that Jesus is real.]

Jesus: As the Father has sent me, so I am sending you! The Holy Spirit be with you.

[Happy (OD is even dancing a little bit) the disciples leave, asking questions and just celebrating in general. Disciples and Jesus exit. A few moments after they leave, the waiter pops up and sees the empty table. With a wail, she sinks to the floor.]

Waiter: But what about dessert?!

*

And that’s it! For clarification, OD stands for “Other Disciple” because the poor lad doesn’t have a name. I’m playing John and I can’t wait!

The skit will be performed Easter Sunday at Crosswalk Church.

Easter Skit – Act Two

Act One: https://booknutsy.wordpress.com/2014/04/06/easter-skit-part-one/

[PLEASE NOTE that this is a group project and I can in no way take full credit for its creation – this was the product of great brainstorming sessions between Elizabeth Schroeder, Katie and Sarah Turner, Greta and Kaitlin Solofra, Christian Casey, and myself, and was therefore written by all of us combined.]

*

[The disciples are sitting around a table at a restaurant, fidgeting and nervous. Every sound sets them on edge. A waiter pops out of nowhere, shocking them all and causing a general uproar.]

Waiter: Hi, welcome to The Locked Room. My name is Martha. I’ll be serving you this evening. Mary was supposed to be helping me tonight, but it looks like it’s just me…again. [Hands out menus.] I’ll give you a few minutes to look over the menus.

[Waiter exits.]

James: It’s not possible.

John: I can’t believe his body’s gone.

Peter: You know they’re coming after us next.

[Silence.]

OD: I’m thinking the chicken.

John: How can you think of food at a time like this? When Jesus’s body is missing and we don’t know where he’s been taken?

[Brooding silence.]

James: We saw him heal lepers, cast demons out of people…he even brought Lazarus back from the dead – so why didn’t he save himself – now, when it really matters?

Peter: He skipped away from people who wanted to kill him before. What makes this time any different?

John: I feel like there are clues we’re missing somewhere.

James: Yeah, let’s back up. What do you guys remember from that night in the garden?

Peter: He was in bad shape, I’ve never seen him like that before.

John: He told us to watch and pray.

James: I don’t know about you, but I fell asleep like right after he left.

Peter: I don’t know about you, but I feel like crap that I couldn’t do the one thing he asked me to.

OD: I don’t know about you, but I feel like waffles!

Peter: Really not the time, dude.

OD: Well, I know for sure that I don’t want anything flesh colored after seeing you cut that dude’s ear off when the police came to arrest Jesus.

[Waiter pops out again, surprising the entire group.]

Waiter: Who wants to hear the specials?!

[The disciples stare at her in disbelief and shake their heads. Waiter realizes that she’s interrupted something and backs out of the room, giving two thumbs up and mouthing “Okay, okay, gotcha.” A short silence follows her exit.]

James: Wait, hold up, you actually cut his ear off? I couldn’t see above those thugs.

OD: Oh yeah! And then Jesus just popped it right back on his head and went with them without a fight! Including that traitor, Judas.

Peter: What a jerk.

John: I know. I can’t believe he would sell us out – sell Jesus out – like that. We’re his friends!

Peter: Insanity, that’s what it is. I don’t know why he did it. I mean, WE had a good reason for running away. Those guys were huge! We were outnumbered. Like…what could we have even…it was…we… [begins stuttering in his attempt to justify their actions] What could we have done anyways?

[Anger/indignation fades away to be replaced with a moment of reflection on if they would’ve betrayed Jesus if the price was right. Peter coughs to break the silence.]

Peter: Speaking of insanity…do you know what I heard about that trial for Jesus?

James: What about it?

Peter: It was an absolute joke. They brought in liars with these accusations that were so off the mark they may as well have been saying that Jesus was a flying unicorn. And the crowd asked for freaking BARABBAS instead of Jesus. Who likes Barabbas? Nobody, that’s who. In my opinion, totally. Rigged.

John: But he didn’t even respond.

OD: What do you mean he didn’t respond?

John: He didn’t respond to their accusations or name calling. Just…stood there. And then they…they beat him for saying nothing.

OD: Is that when they put the thing on him? [OD mimes a crown of thorns]

[John nods.]

[All murmur in sympathy.]

OD: Ouch.

James: Was anyone there when it actually happened?

[Short silence, then John raises his hand in that half-hearted, barely-above-the-head way.]

John: I was.

James: What was it like?

[Short silence as John gathers himself together.]

John: We all know he could’ve come off that cross any time he wanted to, right? We’ve seen how powerful he is. If I didn’t know any better, I would think that he was holding himself there.

OD: That makes no sense.

John: Listen, listen. When he was up there, and there were people shouting curses at him, he said, “Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they’re doing.” Who says that when they’re on their death bed? And, on top of that, he refused any of the alcohol that would numb the pain. Those aren’t the actions of a normal man. He held himself there.

James: But why?

Peter: Have none of you been listening for these past couple of years? He kept talking about his mission on earth. Maybe this was his mission.

OD: His mission…was to die.

John: You weren’t there, you didn’t hear what he said. There was this moment when he was in so much pain, and he cried out, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” He sounded like he had just taken the whole world on his shoulders. And then… [cuts off]

OD: Then…?

John: Then – and I’ll never forget this – he said, “It is finished.” And it was over.

[Dead silence at this statement – it basically hit them like a bag full of bricks. Waiter enters.]

Waiter: So, are we ready to order?

[Set darkens. End of act.]

*

Act Three: https://booknutsy.wordpress.com/2014/04/11/easter-skit-act-three/

The Monsters On Your Admin

They whisper in the dark, always there, always haunting you. They never give up. They remain in shadow but no matter how hard you try to get rid of them, they don’t go away. Sometimes they will resurface and destroy everything you hold dear, stripping you of all the pride that you possess until you are nothing but an empty shell. They are a constant reminder of all the times you’ve failed and how little you are actually capable of doing. They show your true self, the raw and clumsy being that you are, desecrating whatever sense of self you had built up. They are the cause of many sleepless nights and tear stained pillows.

They are…

your unfinished drafts.

Easter Skit – Act One

My youth group at church is doing a skit this Easter that we are writing entirely by ourselves. As I think it is the best Easter skit script ever written (although my bias knows no bounds), I wanted to post it here. Enjoy!

[PLEASE NOTE that this is a group project and I can in no way take full credit for its creation – this was the product of a great brainstorming session between Elizabeth Schroeder, Katie and Sarah Turner, and myself, and was therefore written by all of us combined.]

*

[Text messages between God the Father and Jesus Christ appear on the screen back and forth in true text formation.]

Father: Ping

Jesus: Hey.

Father: Wanna talk?

Jesus: You got timber?

Father: ???

Jesus: Grrr…autocorrect. Got TIME?

Father: All the time in the world.

Father: 😉

Jesus: You know that plan we discussed?

Father: For decorating the mansions?

Jesus: Uh, no…before that.

Father: Ohhhhh, that plan. The one you’re almost done with.

Father: Having second thoughts?

Jesus: Is there any other way?

Jesus: Everything is possible for you.

[Texts come quicker and more frantically.]

Jesus: Please take this cup from me.

Jesus: Father?

[pause]

Jesus: Dad?

Father: You know the answer, don’t you? There is no Plan B. You know that you are the only way.

Jesus: Not my will but yours be done.

Father: I’m so proud of you.

Jesus: I love you too. Gotta go.

[Screen fizzles and turns to static bearing the words CONNECTION LOST.]

*

Act Two: https://booknutsy.wordpress.com/2014/04/10/easter-skit-act-two/