The Bible is a beautiful book that has many people who, through God, were able to do amazing things.

That being said, they were also human and therefore still possessed those human tendencies to lash out when they were irritated. Here are a few biblical insults that you can use next time someone forgets to use their turn signal or a small child leaves a smattering of Legos on the floor that your feet just happen to come into contact with.

“As for those agitators, I wish they would go the whole way and emasculate themselves!” Galatians 5:12

The subject of circumcision was a big controversy at the time Paul wrote this verse and even though he firmly said that circumcision was unnecessary, these agitators continued to preach that it was one of the requirements to get eternal life. Paul is pretty much fed up with this and says that they may as well go the whole darn way with it and chop the entire thing right off. I think we can safely assume that Paul wasn’t happy.

“You blind fools!”Matthew 23:17

The word “fool” used to carry much more weight than it does now. In ancient terminology it not only meant a lack of intelligence but also implied a lack of character as well. To say it in a way that my darling siblings would understand, what’s basically being said is “You idjits!”

“You son of a perverse and rebellious woman!”1 Samuel 20:30

We do have a modern equivalent to this that you could use that I won’t be repeating, but if you want to be twice as eloquent and become the verbal hero you’ve always dreamed of being, throw this at your chosen target of rage instead.

“Get out of here, baldy!” 2 Kings 2:23

Believe me, immature insults are not a novel invention. Elisha was going about peacefully in Bethel when a couple young lads decided to jeer at him. Don’t yell this at someone with a distinct absence of fibers on their cranium unless you want to get pummeled.

“You hypocrites! Isaiah was right when he prophesied about you.” Matthew 15:7

Not only did you mess up, but we were already warned that you were going to be stupid and do this! Double whammy right there, although you might have to replace the name Isaiah with something else. Perhaps you can make it more offensive by involving someone’s mother or the word “ninnyhammer”.

“Are you still so dull?” Matthew 15:16

Believe it or not, this was spoken by Jesus to the disciples. Jesus tells a parable and, like always, the disciples are completely clueless as to its meaning. It happens so many times that Jesus is bound to notice that the disciples don’t get it. Ever. Sadly, Jesus had a collection of Mr. Thick-Thick-Thickity-Thick Faces as companions.

“Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderber…” Wait, hold on a second….

Ah, good old Monty Python.



The Monsters On Your Admin

They whisper in the dark, always there, always haunting you. They never give up. They remain in shadow but no matter how hard you try to get rid of them, they don’t go away. Sometimes they will resurface and destroy everything you hold dear, stripping you of all the pride that you possess until you are nothing but an empty shell. They are a constant reminder of all the times you’ve failed and how little you are actually capable of doing. They show your true self, the raw and clumsy being that you are, desecrating whatever sense of self you had built up. They are the cause of many sleepless nights and tear stained pillows.

They are…

your unfinished drafts.