The Downsides of Being a Christian

Hello! This is for all those new Christians out there.  You wouldn’t believe how happy I am that you’re here. Congratulations and all that. You’re probably feeling better than you have in your entire life and searching for a good church and buying the new 365 day devotions. Heck, you might’ve even bought the Jesus fish decal to put on the back of your car.

But I have a few things to warn you about before you get any more entangled in this crazy business. For me, it’s too late. I’m sucked in. But for you, there is still hope. Nobody tells you about these little downsides, so I figured that that makes it my job.

First of all, the people you will meet as a Christian and as part of a church family are just plain old insane. They’re awesome. Way too awesome for words. And unless you “awesome up” you’re going to feel like you’re in the presence of giants. Their knowledge of the Bible is beyond your comprehension, and they seem to have six more hours in their average day than you do because they get so much done. They packed meals for Thanksgiving and did the stocking stuffers for Christmas and are going to a mission trip to Thailand after they help out at the homeless shelter. It makes you wonder what kind of wacky time travel technology these Christians have!

And your family? It just got ten times bigger. You are now everybody’s sibling, aunt, uncle, grandparent, or child. There is no reversing this process. You now have the coolest family in the entire universe for the rest of your life, which is just peachy. I have a friend who calls just about everybody his sibling or parent, and at first I had no idea if he actually had any biological family at all or if it was just people from church.

While we’re on the subject of family, these people will love you like no one else. You’re feeling down? Hugs and comfort along with a middle-aged woman carrying a casserole of mysterious origin to your doorstep within the hour. Happy? We’ll share your joy (seriously, what does that even mean? It’s my joy. I’m not sharing it with you.) Feeling guilty? Forgiveness is waiting for you. It’s downright mad that anyone could have that kind of love unless it was given to them by an all-powerful God…oh wait.

May as well just forget about losing ten pounds. You go to one single potluck and it’s all over. I swear, that dessert table has its own gravitational pull! No one can resist it. Also, what’s up with having the dessert table be six times bigger than any of the other food tables? It’s like they want you to die from obesity.

Remember the days when you could sit around on a Saturday morning doing absolutely nothing? Those are gone. You sit tight doing nothing for more than thirty minutes and your conscience will itch you like a bad mosquito bite. You could be spreading God’s love to someone at this exact moment. A soul could be saved if you got of your butt right now. You could potentially be planning the Christmas dinner for homeless people…if you actually were doing something with your life. It gets so bad that suddenly, while you are doing something you believe to be productive, you drop what you’re holding and stare emptily at the wall as you realize that if it doesn’t add to the glory of God’s kingdom it is completely meaningless. “What is this…why am I not glorifying God right now? What am I doing EATING?”

If you’re somebody who swears, it suddenly becomes four billion percent bigger of a deal when you do so after you become a Christian. Before Christianity: “*@#*~!” Yeah, whatever. After Christianity: “#!^&!” All of the sudden shots are fired, sirens are wailing, mothers are rushing inside with their children, glass is being shattered, and a tornado appears over the horizon to come suck up your soul. Enjoy your moments of verbal freedom, my friend.

Let’s talk about arenas for a second, just as a side note. Let’s say you got tickets to a football game or concert or whatever. You get there, big smile on your face, as you stare at this arena. It’s huge. Millions of people could fit inside it. Then, suddenly, you cock your head slowly to the side, staring at the numerous seats, and wonder what it would be like if there was a preacher standing in the middle of the field instead of a group of cheerleaders. Sanctus Real instead of a secular band. Now, any time you go to a place meant for entertainment with many seats, all you’ll be able to think about is what it would be like if it was filled with Christians praising God. Big events = ruined.

I could continue, but I think you get the picture. It isn’t all empty tombs and rainbows. There are some serious downsides.

I just hope you know what you’re getting into.

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Cheer Up!

This is a post dedicated to my little sister Vivian (age 2). She does some amusing things and I’m hoping they’ll cheer you up if you’re feeling down. Enjoy!

✧ She affectionately called a stuffed dog by the name of “Brownie White-White”.

✧ When she’s supposed to be sleeping she will instead sing a classic Christian song, but her own rendition. “I am Jesus’ little man…ever mad at heart I am…when my SHEPHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERD jetly buys me…”

✧ If she gets in trouble (i.e., making a large mess of the cereal) she will immediately scrunch up her shoulders with an adorable smile on her face that screams that she didn’t do it because ain’t she just a cutesie wittle baby.

✧ Her stuffed bear is named Tubby. When we went to a frozen yoghurt parlor, there was a stuffed bear slightly larger than her own bear sitting outside. He is now known forever as King Tubby. All hail!

✧ No, this is not the Joker. This is her after getting into Mommy’s makeup.

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✧ This little twerp is a speed queen. We’ll just happily be playing outside when all of the sudden she’ll go roaring down the mountain in a wagon piloted by my 8-year-old brother. A recipe for disaster, to be sure. We freak all the babysitters out of their minds.

✧ As any mom or big sister knows, if it’s quiet for longer than five minutes, something’s up.

“Vivi? Where are you?”

“I fix it! I fix it!”

Uh oh.

✧ We have this small toy guitar that she will grab and then say, “I am rock star!”

Her grammar is simply spectacular, is it not?

✧ She can fall off her bike onto solid concrete, hit her head, and scrape her knee, and will not cry a single bit, but it it’s naptime and try you touch her you can expect the Holy Shriek of I-Am-Two-Years-Old-Hear-Me-Roar-Now-I-Break-Your-Eardrums.

✧ Her dancing style involves pirouettes, one-arm-in-the-air spins, jumping, scrunching up her face, and hopping from foot to foot. If you stop the music, you’ve just become her worst enemy.

✧ One of her habits is sitting underneath the kitchen table with a mournful expression on her face as she belts out Castle on a Cloud from the Les Miserables musical. “There is a castle on the sleep…I like to go there on a sktskhawa…”

✧ On the subject of clothes…

“How about this Vivi?”

“Hmmm, no, I don’t love this.”

Someone’s a picky fashionista.

✧ As I’m writing this, I’m asking her to come over to me and she runs in the opposite direction before grabbing one of the toy microphones and then coming back. “Okaaaaaaaaay,” she says into the microphone. Then she breaks out into the ABCs. “ABCDEF…” and so on and so forth. I don’t think she thought I was paying attention until she saw me looking at her. “QRS, TUVeeeeeeeeeeee…” And suddenly all power has been lost in the Performance section and we’re back to shyness.

She has now run away and is saying everything into the microphone.

I love that little girl.

Author’s note: This is a late birthday present to my dear cousin Maddie who is the godmother of Vivian. Can’t wait to see you for Thanksgiving, Maddie! Love you xxo

You Know You’re a Homeschooler When…

The fairy tales your parents told you were altered slightly to include twelve years of being friends together and six of dating before they even started thinking about marriage.

You have pulled out the “homeschool jokes” to make people feel less awkward.

People have told your mom that she has her hands full.

You’re not allowed to talk about Harry Potter with other families.

Pop culture is when a Christian artist releases a new song.

Playing with swords and pretending you’re elves is an everyday thing.

The kitchen doubles as a classroom.

Going to the grocery store counts as a field trip.

You get pitied during the summer when you don’t get it off but turn around and laugh at them in the winter when you have three weeks off for Christmas and can go on vacation in the middle of March.

You always go to amusement parks on Tuesday mornings.

The library is your favorite place during the summer.

You knew Latin by the time you were eight.

Being sick makes absolutely no difference to how much school you have to do.

Your school day is less than five hours long.

“Are they all yours?” is a very common question.

Snow days? Please.

You’ve seen your teacher pregnant.

School is cancelled when Mom doesn’t feel well.

Gluten-free is the way to go.

You read adult-level books before you lost all your baby teeth.

You know the Greek alphabet.

Musicals are the best form of entertainment.

Your parents get disappointed when babysitters actually get social lives.

Getting cereal from the store is a treat.

 

Got any of your own to add?

 

*Thanks to blimeycow for the inspiration!  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kes6KVbbeyo

Some Days Are Like That

Some mornings, kids are being whiny and impatient and making messes all over the place and not doing their chores and being really difficult and if feels like we will barely survive breakfast without the entire house blowing up from all the boiling emotions.

Some afternoons, we aren’t focusing on school and paying attention and we’re causing more trouble than we’re preventing and there’s a baby crying and marker all over the walls and there is absolutely no way anything productive is currently happening.

Some nights, supper consists of cold cereal and the eggs you left that morning and we don’t even remember to clear our own plates and the house is completely trashed and looks like a pig sty and we all feel like absolute crud because we didn’t get any naps or resting this afternoon.

Some days are just like that…even in Australia.

And the only thing you can do is shut the door and pray.

It is the only thing you can possibly do in a situation such as this. There is no other option.

There are still toys all over the floor and marker on the walls and a dirty kitchen to clean up and kids to put to bed, but God is with you. Remember that. Tomorrow is a new day, the sins of yesterday washed away. ♫ It’s a new dawn, new day, new life, for me….AND I’M FEELING GOOD ♫